A Rip in the Curtain
I used to not think anything of it.
Just another pill to take.
In fact, I had two different doses: one 60mg for day and a 30mg for night.
It was part pain pill, part chemical balance of the brain and part antidepressant.
It was a lovely cocktail in a capsule.
A rip in the curtain. A peek from behind the shades. A glimpse into another reality. A peek into insanity.
Duloxetine is its name, an antidepressant medicine. It’s used to treat depression and anxiety. It’s also used to treat nerve pain, such as fibromyalgia, and can be used to treat stress urinary incontinence in women. An antidepressant and nerve pain medication, it can treat depression, anxiety, diabetic peripheral neuropathy, and chronic muscle or bone pain.
A little wonder drug, I’ve been on it for several years but no longer. Seems I ran out and now am in need of a new Rx.
It helps me better deal with my realities and keep my emotions in check. Since the Pandemic, I’ve kept mostly to myself and not ventured out too far. Somewhat like the lady behind the blinds in Malika’s depiction, I’m still a little unsure as to what I might find out there in this self-absorbed world.
There’s a part of me that’s still in grief mode but a larger part that’s dealing with a seemingly unquenchable to-do list. My position on the age chart, not unlike some of my peers, has seen me bouncing back and forth between doctors’ appointments.
Gee, what fun!
I’d like not to have to depend on taking any medication but I fear without certain ones, the road ahead may be more troublesome than it should be. Alas, there are a lot of us in the same boat. What’s it going to take to get and keep us out of that boat. I don’t know. We are still living in some very weird times and I just don’t see those times lighting up anytime soon.
I find myself, for the most part, in pretty good health. Those aspects of me that are not fairing too well are mostly kept under control. I try not to take certain things for granted, least of all my health. Every day that goes by I try and review my ever-expanded list of things to do. I always celebrate somehow when I can cross one or more off that list. When I do, my anxiety level really goes down.
Every morning when I open the blinds and peer out at the world, I realize I’m starting anew. My curtain may still be ripped in portions, but I have the time to fix it. At least, that’s what I tell myself. It’s what we all need to tell ourselves no matter what obstacles we face; we have the time to fix it. Or at least to act upon it.
Yet there are days that I never make it to the blinds; I’m doing good to make it out of bed. When I do eventually reconcile with myself and regain a modicum of sanity and consciousness, I do make it by the blinds and, voila, they open. I realize I may not get to strike everything on my list this day but if I only get to one or two, that’s okay.
Maybe, just maybe, some items on that list are not meant to be eradicated entirely or at one time. I need to remind myself of that. It can help me in my journey and my sanity.
Judging from her expression, the bespectacled lady with the green eye shadow may still be uncertain of what I speak. That’s fine. We must all get back out into the world at our own pace.
But we must make the effort. I need to get past the torn curtain and begin to see what will become of me in the post-pandemic realm.
Hopefully making a ruckus, one blog post at a time!
